Friday, July 4, 2008

Teas & Thoughts

Sunday I had much tea, with an old pal as well as another, well, old pal too.

They are the two I would least expect to have tea with, yet they are the ones whom I talk to that let me think about things, much.

For starters, let's talk about changes. One says I've began to change, wanting to be rebellious, scolding vulgarities etc.

All right, I admit. I've changed. We've changed. I want to change. I want a taste of things, a taste of what it is like to be in pain, to try things, to know how it's like. If I haven't fallen down, how do I know how to stand up again?

These days I keep telling people I might want to get a tattoo, for a purpose (that I will not mention). I have this urge to let needles thread through my skin, to face my fears and let it inked on me permanently.

Honestly, I haven't done anything that's despicable, so I don't see why I can't just you know, spend a night out alone (or not) just to clear my mind a little? No matter what, it would be better than lying on the foot of the bed, staring at the blur skies, with that disgusting feeling that the future is so bleak. Not that I can see with my poor eyesight anyway.

Spewing vulgarities and swearing at every other person in my current life is nothing new. In the environment I'm in, I'm already forcing myself not to use any "chee bye" or "kan ni na", just because I don't want to. I'm trying hard to kick "walao" and "ta ma de", which isn't easy when it have become a habit nowadays. Now as for "fuck", in my opinion it can reach an extent where no word can. Each day, there WILL be somebody screwing up your mood and anger management isn't exactly what I would call  "chicken feet". Yes I know it's not nice to use the f- word either, but you know, sometimes it gives a certain dramatic effect to it as well. Hee.

What I'm saying is that the people and surrounding does mould you into who you are as well, being a religious Christian or not, being a guy who sees his friends and family his foremost concern or not, being someone who places a boy-girl relationship above all or not, it may be all a choice but sometimes you don't get so many options. Leaving a unhealthy group of friends to find seek a greener pasture? Hello, how sure are you that on the greener side, there's space for one more cow and are cows there willing to accept you (sorry Cow, no pun intended)?

Sure, who doesn't have insecurities? Just that I'd love to take my time to get over them and get over every. damn. thing that I obviously still can't get over with. Having more 'me' time sounds like a great idea.

Truth be told, whenever I have to face an interview or emcee or DJ or act or dance or speak in public, I still feel so nervous to the point I just want to give up.

I'm such a fool that I have so many things I've yet to learn.

Don't tell me you've never done something that you regret and hope time could go back in time? Only when you begin to treasure someone but realised that it's all too late?

Like all the adults tell me, cope with it and move on. I am, I'm smiling every day now, aren't I? :)

Things I have to work on of course include my attitude, my English, my Mandarin, my body and so many things. in the meanwhile, I shall continue to accept the mocking from my fellow schoolmates and judgmental peers.

We should not let negativity put us down, isn't that right?


Anyway back to the Sunday tea, Onion totally ordered some random drink that came as an awkward surprise.

Turns out Nutello is that small, I can finish in three gulps. Wait, make it two.

I had to wait for a bloody long time before I caught the bus to the airport.


There, I finally met him. After two long years. He hasn't changed a bit.

Still, I had a great chatting session with Raymond and him, and so I shall 'hear from him soon'.

Okay, I'm about done.

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