Friday, December 21, 2007

The Last Day Of Delusion

Or at least I will try, to make it happen.

The Art Of Pretense. I've been fooling myself for so long.

The happier a person looks, the sadder the person is on the inside.

The desire to please everyone, seeing the need to maintain every single relationship as possible, simply because I don't see this world as a mean one.

But he said, "Earth is a place full of selfish people."
He added, "This is the real world man, you have to see it this way."

So I guess it's no more self-denial?

I think I got it all wrong.

I've changed for the worse.

Silence, whining to the loved ones, and keeping my thoughts to myself.

Before the clock strikes twelve,
Downing the booze,
Letting it take control.

Having surface fun is one thing,
But deep down trying to forget something is another.

What people see me from the outside,
Is not who I am. (You hear this like, everywhere)

But I'm sure some of them knows,
That sometimes it's just pretense.

Now I understand what the fortune cookie told me a couple of years ago.
It wrote, (somewhat loosely translated):
Do not be cooped up.
Don't bottle the feelings and problems.
Open up.
Open up to people around you who are willing to LISTEN.
If not, one day you'll go berserk.
And your bubble that can only hold up to that much, will burst eventually.

I chose not to believe.
I thought, as long as I see others happy,
I'll be cool about anything I receive.

On the contrary, the results I've received these two years certainly made the worst out of my entire life.

Not only was I "ridden on", stepped over,
I let other people have the wrong perception of me time to time again.
The Experienced said that it is because I lack the sense of urgency,
And I lost control of my life.

I halt.
I contemplated, to check if there was any sign of biasness.
But no. The Experienced was partially right.

I lost my sense of direction.
No goal, no nothing.

But, what defines "opening up", when people hear but don't listen?
What defines "trust", when they just make assumptions out of you?

It's not just school, but at home as well.
Why do they use the hard approach on me when they know I don't take it?

The Experienced said,

Time and Tide wait for no man.

True, true. Fair enough.

It's time for a change. That's the RIGHT mentality I was taught. And that's what I will try to achieve.

I felt a stab in my heart today.
The pain was so real.

Thanks to The Experienced for the valuable lessons in life, and to my Super Sister, who explained what is called Responsibility when dealing with a tough nut to crack.

I'm just ... upset.

Crying is miserable.
But not crying, makes a sorrowful life even more miserable.


Now let's just go to sleep. :)

Thiang, something inside you died today.

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